


a window, a door

by ryancantwrite



Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M, freewrite - Freeform, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21617362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryancantwrite/pseuds/ryancantwrite
Summary: "you'll be there for me, right?""yeah. and we can definitely find a window-"barry doesn't need a window. he needs a door, the grand french kind that lets new, fresh air and sunlight in, the kind that you can let friends into, family into, even, and not have to worry about it.
Relationships: Barry Berkman/Sally Reed
Kudos: 16





	a window, a door

this wasn't barry. this wasn't barry at all.

this wasn't he was, what he is, what he _wanted to be._ and the worst part is, it wasn't even his fault. it was how everyone else wanted to portray him. it was how they wanted to see him, how his friends wanted his story to go. barry wished it was half as merciful and emotional as they portrayed it.

his eyes went blank. nick's sobs echoed through the quiet theatre and came back to stab him in the chest like shards of glass. 'no...' barry thought to himself. 'please, you've got it all wrong...' he turned his toward them and watched in silence. 'is this what they think really happened? that i wasn't immediately praised for being a 'stone-cold killer?'' 

"barry," gene chided him, but his voice wasn't enough to keep him from sinking deeper into his ocean of thoughts. his fellow soldiers chanting his name rang in the back of his otherwise empty mind: "barry berkman! barry berkman! barry berkman!" his name, his own damn name, now felt like a taunt toward him, a string of insults made to break him and leave him crumpled on the floor. even that didn't feel right. he was more than his name, more than either of his names.

"is that what really happened?" gene asked. barry stalled for a moment and gazed out at his fellow actors - his friends - sat in front of him. did he really have the heart to tell them that his worst, well, habit, was encouraged?

he decided he didn't. 

"yeah, yeah." barry nodded. he could feel the audience's sympathy from where he was standing. jermaine and sally, specifically, looked up at him in awe. he tried to swallow the lump in his throat, the pent up guilt that constantly rested there, but it was no use. it was always no use.

"alright, i'll see you tomorrow at the next class." everyone, well, almost everyone erupts into applause at gene's announcement. barry stays dead still. he should be thrilled, ecstatic even, that his only outlet wasn't cancelled, but the guilt still remained like a horrible, unsightly blister. 

barry stormed out of the theatre as fast as his legs could carry him: his guilt weighed ever heavier in his stomach. sally, to his slight dismay, caught up with him as he burst through the doors, desperate to get away from everyone.

"you should be feeling really proud of yourself, barry. i mean, that was amazing." he had a feeling she was referring to him changing gene's mind about the class, rather than his performance, but he smiled anyway.

"oh, yeah, thanks."

"no, no, really." she stopped him, stepping in front of him. "i mean, it was messy and complex and..." again, barry's eyes went blank and he nodded along to what she was saying. he liked sally and would even go as far to say that he loved her, but she didn't know him. no one did, except for fuches, and a few others who were... no longer living, to say the least.

"you really let that wall come down a little." sally kissed him. it was quick. he was undeserving. "you see what happens when you're honest about who you really are, barry? good things can happen. i mean, you just saved the class!" she laughed. barry loved it. hell, barry loved her.

even with all the guilt still sitting in his stomach and his want to isolate himself, barry knew he needed someone, and that someone was standing right in his way.

"hey, do you want to get out of here?" he tested the waters, a hopeful smile gracing his face. 

"yeah," sally smiled back. barry sighed in in relief and opened his mouth to speak again, only to be interrupted by disappointment. "i do, i... i just- shit. i said i'd have drinks with my agent, so..."

barry hummed. he figured.

"i wanna be there for you, i do, but tomorrow." you know, the more she said it, the less barry started to believe it. he wanted to so badly, and as pathetic as it sounds, she was the only thing he had. 

"but you'll be there for me, right?"

"yeah. and we can definitely find a window..."

barry didn't need a _window_. he needed a _door_ , the grand french kind that lets new, fresh air and sunlight in and can air bad things out. the kind that you can let friends into, family into, even, and not have to worry about it. the kind that's always unlocked, ready to be walked through. he didn't just need a door either. he needed a house: brightly lit, warm, full of love and laughter and light, things that barry wanted his entire life and went without. 

"okay." barry said in defeat. "okay, i'll see you then."

but, if a window was all he had, then a window was what he would take. 


End file.
